i live alone now, in a small studio in the north end with brick walls and a little, dirty courtyard. i will clean it when i can find the time.
i am having a hard time finding things to write that are not really sad. even though, my life has some brightness to it.... I have two new jobs (that I actually like), this new apartment, some new friends. a new life really. but then i realize my actions seem to making decisions for me... do i really want a new life? how do you decide when you should leave a marriage?
next weekend i will fly to philly for my old college friend chris vespi's wedding. i will be with my old people, the ones who have known me for 10 years. a return to my roots, to who i was then.
when i am old and gray i will remember this time in my life as the hurricane season. i am still, STILL, in crisis mode, months later. but i am sure, when the dust settles, learning so much.
3 comments:
i'm always here if you need to talk...i have some idea (although not on the same scale) of what it is you are going through, and if nothing else i'm quite willing to let you vent for as long as you need.
i think that the path you are on is the right one, even if it doesn't always feel like you are choosing it. it seems to me that nothing happens without a choice, even when you feel like you're being swept away, and i think you've made the right ones.
I've always been one to get excited over change. Yet sometimes change can really suck. When my ex-wife and I split, I moved from Washington DC back to San Francisco. New job. New pad. New friends. Same painful memories.
We lived in San Francisco while she went to law school. I saw it first hand how that can be brutal on a person.
When I moved back there I saw so many reminders of her and our time together. I couldn't go anywhere without saying stuff like, "Oh, there's that little cafe we loved" .. or "there's that one bar where we got tanked" .. or "Hey, we had an awesome kiss while sitting at that bust stop" .. Eventually I had to start hanging out in parts of town here and I rarely went to so I could start making some fresh memories. Sooner or later as I came to terms with the fact that everything was over and gone and I started hanging out again in our old stomping grounds and rarely even thought of her ... and when I did, I just smiled and thought of the good stuff.
I don't have enough stomach lining to think of the painful stuff anymore.
So, enjoy your new apartment and new lease on life. Go out and make a new memoir. Relish in your happy memories. Learn from the painful ones. Sooner or later so much good stuff will drown out all the bad.
I'm sure I've told you plenty of times before ... you're going to accomplish some amazing things in life, so get started.
Miss you.
Whereas mariage is not natural it can be really beautiful. As Milly Jackson says have a weekend away in a hotel room and if you are not back in love by Monday you know it wont be mending.Make sure it is dead before you say your goodbyes.
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