No Feeling is Final.

today the winds are unreal in boston. it is already cold--in the 20s--but the wind makes the night seem unbearable. last night i was in gloucester, and spent time with sarah. today i had lunch with alyssa before taking the train home.

when i walked into our north end apartment, our front door was wide open.... i couldn't find ophie any where. i panicked! searched the apartment top to bottom, through on my coat and hat again and walked up and down the street looking under the cars and in doorways. when i came back up, fear spreading quickly inside of me, ophie waltzed out of whereever her most secret hiding place may be, and rubbed against my legs.

here is a poem that has meant alot to me several times during this past year, from Rainer Maria Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
Then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly here:

You; sent out beyond your recall,
Go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like a flame.
And make big waves I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself loose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.

christmas reflections

It is 9 AM on the Monday after Christmas. I am on break from school, and as usual finding myself unsure of how to spend the time. I went on a run this morning, at that beautiful hour when the sun spills like gold all over the city.

Christmas was different this year, in several ways. The first one where we were not all together, my brother and sister and me. Seeing Dave's stocking and presents organized together in a neat, separate pile impressed upon me the truth of this last year in the life of my family.

Mid way through the day my parents, kimmy, noah and i left the family festivities to go visit dave. we gave him our presents, and some of us ate ice cream from the sundae bar. dave hugged me tight and for a long time.

my parents sang "o come all ye faithful"--my mother in her high soprano--on the ride home.

our first snow storm.

cheri called me around 4 yesterday, and when i poured my stressful heart onto her she demanded that i drive up to her house in danvers.

we had some red wine and she let me talk and talk and talk. there is something so comforting about the types of friendships were you can come, just as you are, and be accepted. be loved.

sometime in the night about a foot of snow fell.

jacob (cheri's son) and evan (jacob's friend) could not wait to get outside, but cheri insisted on making them a big breakfast before hand. auntie rosie (cheri's aunt) took the boys to rough house in the snow banks. we drank coffee.

shoveling out in the foot of snow the next morning: bummer. but not as bad as the subsequent north end parking. even still, i would not take back my night with her for just about anything.

brain end

well, it is finals time again at suffolk law school. this time I am bereft of Tyler, my usual partner in these mentally blistering weeks.

i have stepped just outside my apartment door three times now, just to see the sun. it is cold and windy, but when i am only outside in 10 minute increments it feels very nice.

salem street is interesting at 8 in the morning... all the young urbanites walking, always leaving the north end. women in suits hustling down the street in flats, heels in their bag. men in pea coats with coffee from the boston beanstock.

next week: christmas shopping. and lattes and book stores and movies. friends i have neglected and prayers i need to say. pedicures and baths and every fun thing i can think of doing.

December 3

i didn't make it to my internship today, or to school. i have justified these choices to myself and feel satisfied.

downstairs I hear my neighbor playing christmas music, and outside the weather is near 70 degrees. What a funny little part of the world new england is.

later tonight i am going with a new friend to a mary oliver poetry reading in brookline. her poems are comforting to me.