No Feeling is Final.

today the winds are unreal in boston. it is already cold--in the 20s--but the wind makes the night seem unbearable. last night i was in gloucester, and spent time with sarah. today i had lunch with alyssa before taking the train home.

when i walked into our north end apartment, our front door was wide open.... i couldn't find ophie any where. i panicked! searched the apartment top to bottom, through on my coat and hat again and walked up and down the street looking under the cars and in doorways. when i came back up, fear spreading quickly inside of me, ophie waltzed out of whereever her most secret hiding place may be, and rubbed against my legs.

here is a poem that has meant alot to me several times during this past year, from Rainer Maria Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
Then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly here:

You; sent out beyond your recall,
Go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like a flame.
And make big waves I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself loose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.

christmas reflections

It is 9 AM on the Monday after Christmas. I am on break from school, and as usual finding myself unsure of how to spend the time. I went on a run this morning, at that beautiful hour when the sun spills like gold all over the city.

Christmas was different this year, in several ways. The first one where we were not all together, my brother and sister and me. Seeing Dave's stocking and presents organized together in a neat, separate pile impressed upon me the truth of this last year in the life of my family.

Mid way through the day my parents, kimmy, noah and i left the family festivities to go visit dave. we gave him our presents, and some of us ate ice cream from the sundae bar. dave hugged me tight and for a long time.

my parents sang "o come all ye faithful"--my mother in her high soprano--on the ride home.

our first snow storm.

cheri called me around 4 yesterday, and when i poured my stressful heart onto her she demanded that i drive up to her house in danvers.

we had some red wine and she let me talk and talk and talk. there is something so comforting about the types of friendships were you can come, just as you are, and be accepted. be loved.

sometime in the night about a foot of snow fell.

jacob (cheri's son) and evan (jacob's friend) could not wait to get outside, but cheri insisted on making them a big breakfast before hand. auntie rosie (cheri's aunt) took the boys to rough house in the snow banks. we drank coffee.

shoveling out in the foot of snow the next morning: bummer. but not as bad as the subsequent north end parking. even still, i would not take back my night with her for just about anything.

brain end

well, it is finals time again at suffolk law school. this time I am bereft of Tyler, my usual partner in these mentally blistering weeks.

i have stepped just outside my apartment door three times now, just to see the sun. it is cold and windy, but when i am only outside in 10 minute increments it feels very nice.

salem street is interesting at 8 in the morning... all the young urbanites walking, always leaving the north end. women in suits hustling down the street in flats, heels in their bag. men in pea coats with coffee from the boston beanstock.

next week: christmas shopping. and lattes and book stores and movies. friends i have neglected and prayers i need to say. pedicures and baths and every fun thing i can think of doing.

December 3

i didn't make it to my internship today, or to school. i have justified these choices to myself and feel satisfied.

downstairs I hear my neighbor playing christmas music, and outside the weather is near 70 degrees. What a funny little part of the world new england is.

later tonight i am going with a new friend to a mary oliver poetry reading in brookline. her poems are comforting to me.

bummer.

it is a strange moment to realize that relationships which have been viewed in a particular, comforting way either are no longer of that same caliber or, perhaps worse, never were. either its come undone, or never was in the first instance.

ah, the revelations of a late-twenty something.

but what else is there to do? invest in the people that currently seem worth the effort. forgive and let go the others.

long time no klog! (2)

i am sitting in the baltimore airport, grateful for the free wifi (courtesy of google, as a gift to holiday travelers). i haven't found a starbucks kiosk though.

something so peculiar about traveling, about airports specifically... time seems suspended. no matter what airport across the country i find myself in, they feel the same. also a funny balance between waiting and rushing.

there is an adorable baby next to me with wide blue eyes, perpetually drooling and smiling haplessly at me. even still, i hope the adorable baby has a different seat once we board the plane. unexpected shrieking on an airplane is my nightmare.

August 30

earlier on this sunday afternoon i went to the red sox game with noah. when i returned home--grumpy due to a crowded ride on the T (subway) and even more crowded north end streets, as a result of the annual st. anthony's feast--i intended to nap but the festivities of the feast carried on beneath my bedroom window.  liz called so i agreed to meet her outside her apartment and walk to the store. we called eldad and mike, who live on fleet street, and walked over to their place.  we opened wine and prepared dinner.  we ate chicken drumsticks, summer salad, and sweet potato french fries.

when we left, we passed through the crowds and the  street vendors, the confetti and marching bands. i went home to put the groceries I had bought (before dinner) away. since the festival excitement was in full force underneath my bedroom window, and because noah spoke with his mother on the phone, i decided: why should the fun end now??? so more wine was purchased and amy, liz, and I consumed. 

the marching band plays on, at this (nearly) midnight hour. the north end is a wild and vibrant place.  so nice to have friends to count on.

seattle

dinner.... mini OE reunion!
John and Hannah shopping at local grocery store
sunset near apartment. stunning. to the right we can see Mt. Rainier. (not in this photo though....)
This kitty is ophie's long lost twin!

more fish.

Shots of Seattle

so many blooms!
noah, self-portrait in living room
hannah and jon, after farmers market
i don't know what these flowers are, but when i have a house i am going to try and plant these.

breakfast at vegetarian restaurant in fremont

Seattle

Pike Place Market, before the vendors set up.
cooking in hannah and jon's kitchen.
crab crabs

all shot at the beginning of the day, pike place market.

What has you down, Tom?

I think my neighbor, Tom, is lovelorn. 

He lives in the basement apartment outside my living room window, and for the last several days has played Pachelbel's "Canon in D" on his loudspeakers, the classical music bouncing off the brick walls and into my apartment.

he must have listened to it 20 times. 

Excerpted From a Li Young Lee Poem:


There are days we live
as if death were nowhere
in the background; from joy
to joy to joy, from wing to wing,
from blossom to blossom to
impossible blossom, to sweet impossible blossom.

mantra.

I have everything that I need.

I have to remind myself lately that when friends disappoint, or job opportunities fall through, or hard work still leaves me feeling mediocre...

Still, I have everything that I need.

i want to go to there... on maine part 2.

Noah and I  went to the maine house this weekend, bringing several car-loads my law school friends. and my little brother dave the man.

we sat on the porch, played hours of wiffle ball, scaled the rocks by the lighthouse, played games, ate lobsters at the fisherman's wharf. we took many walks. made fires. read books, enjoyed the hammock. i planted new window boxes of flowers.

it reminded me: these days are filled with our take-away moments. 

the ones we will remember for the rest of our lives.

live and learn about brownies.

yesterday was a rainy sunday in massachusetts. it had the feel of  a mild february day more than a may weekend. 

so i decided it was the perfect time to start compiling a care package for my old college friend, Lt. John P. Ballantyne. Johnny B is flying helicopters in Iraq. I walked to the CVS on Hanover Street and purchased anything and everything I saw that he may want: razors, magazines, pringles, pretzels, chapstick, gum, candy, ping pong balls, cotton socks. The pinnacle of this care package, I determined, would be brownies  from scratch. And an intimate letter (still undrafted). 

What I discovered was that brownies from scratch are ONLY delicious if you make them with salted butter, not unsalted butter. I found this curious since unsalted butter is specifically used in baking. What a disappointment! 

Noah is eating my disappointment brownies in the meanwhile, until I can bake Johnny B. better ones. 

noah has gone to michigan

i am sleeping in the middle of the big bed.

finals, again.

unfortunately, i am in a rut. 

it as though i hover above myself, aware that i am not doing the right things (or not doing them with the diligence I have in the past) but.... unable to gear up. or unwilling. 

i hope i am not making alot of mistakes. only myself to blame, if so.

gloucester. sarah.

 today once of my oldest friends, sarah walsh (now sarah laporte) turned 28. we decided at the last moment to drive up these tangled new england roads to gloucester and spend some time with sarah, and her husband kaz. 

we had the good fortune of running into other old friends, notably rick and deb. they have  a new handsome baby they have named amos. we met him for the first time today.

it feels nice to be at home in a place. actually, to be at home in a few different places. 

after our visit we stopped at good harbor beach. it was a little too cold to walk bare foot. 

Clay, at the bloomsburg fair

by the way

i just discovered this word document saved on my computer, from this winter break when noah drove to pennsylvania to see some family. clay, noah's cousin who is 7 or 8, wrote us a note. here it is unaltered:

Dear KATE and NOAH,

I miss you.

This is my first letter I made by myself.

I had a fun time at New Year!

My fish is still alive! By the way do you know any legends?

love, clay

spring has been slow to rise in boston this year. i stayed home sick, but ended up walking to school with tyler and sitting with him and ash over smoothies. 

so much is changing so fast. i hate the suspense. it makes me only see what we are loosing, and not what we each will gain.

Washington D.C. roadtrip

as we drove the 8 hours back to massachusetts i recognized the full and warm feeling of contentment settling over me

Done!

Nono took this photo on Sunday, when I was scrambling to finish my Note for Transnational Law Review. I felt like a crazy person. 

go to the google

every thursday m. lowe and i sit in a small room on the fourth floor of suffolk and check citations in the pending transnational law review articles for 4 hours. it is a long and mostly boring process, but at least we have one another.

clearly, we need diversions during this tedious time. one thing we have taken to doing is, when a question of substance arises, using a few minutes to research the answer. to clarify, "research" means to go to the google with our query.

previous searches include: 

what's the big deal with the liberty bell? this followed my trip to philadelphia for new years.  although our thought that the bell was carried into battle during the revolutionary war was not correct, there was something about the bell being carried on trains... i guess i forget. so what is the deal with the liberty bell?

another Q: are baby carrots really carrots growing into adult carrots, or are they big carrots cut down to size? The answer--that they are big carrots cut to size--was unexpected.

On thursday I want to find out if Henry VII, whom family folklore says is in my family tree, ever felt regret for having Anne Boylen executed on the chopping block.

I never got that story. Henry VIII  spends years trying to divorce his wife of nearly 20 years to marry Anne, and then 3 years later cuts her head off for some fabricated reason (accusing her of incest with her brother and adultery). meanwhile he cuts from the catholic church to marry anne and starts his own church, even though he had formerly viciously prosecuted those that challenged catholicism.

 Did he ever think he may have gotten it wrong? at night years later, when he was an old man, did he wonder....?

his love letters to anne, years before he signed her death order, are lovely. 

tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow. 

the struggle of days filled with tasks and errands is always in front of me.

snowing today. an ice storm later. 

Modern Declaration

On Saturday  Noah and I drove to New Hampshire and stayed at an Inn. We watched cable television and ordered breakfast in bed. I had a bloody mary and smoked salmon. (He had blueberry pancakes and a mimossa). Then we drove home to Boston, neither of us aware that a snow storm would slow our travels to a snails pace. 

We just rediscovered this letter I wrote to Noah, on May 5, 2003. I write that it is the week of my last finals senior year at Messiah, and that I was graduating in 12 days. About the uncertainty of the future, some worries. And then I write this: 

"When the day comes that I awake every morning on the pillow that lays next to your pillow--when the day comes that our toothbrushes sit in the same holder, and our clothes fill the same bureau.... I can only imagine the new deep recesses of happiness we will discover, and hardships, harsh and well-worn."

I also included this poem I have always loved by Edna St. Vincent Millay.... although I am not sure I have lived up to the promise, I will start again. Always start again.

Modern Declaration

I, having loved ever since I was a child a few things, never having

wavered

in these affections; never through shyness in the houses of the

rich or in the presence of clergymen having denied these

loves;

Never when worked upon by cynics like chiropractors having

grunted or clicked a vertebra to the discredit of these loves,

Never when anxious to land a job having diminished them by a 

conniving smile; or when befuddled by drink

Jeered at them though heartache or lazily fondled the fingers of

their alert enemies; declare

That I shall love you always.

No matter what party is in power;

No matter what temporarily expedient combination of allied

interests wins the war;

Shall love you always.

Movies and the 1980s

Noah and I were remembering our favorite movies from childhood. my list reveals the following:

I really do love robots. and magic,  it appears.  wild, unforeseen adventures are high on the list. not to mention the occasional musical. Often the dynamic is two boys and one beautiful tomboy. 

in no particular order:

1. "Flight of the Navigator" : Fred Savage. aliens and their space ships. i don't really remember the details except 1. we had the video tape, which the bergeron family recorded when it played on t.v. and 2. i considered it cutting edge. 

2. "The Wizard": again, starring the multi-faceted Fred Savage. Remember that one, about a crazy adventure to the ultimate video game competition in Cali? 

3. "Batteries Not Included" :  a sentimental science fiction movies starring Jessica Tandy. The Netflix description gets to the heart of it----> "After their apartment building is bought by an unscrupulous developer, Frank and Faye Riley face eviction. But the poor retirees and their neighbors receive unexpected help from an unexpected source--a clan of tiny robotic aliens who supply free electricity and harass the developers goons"

4. "The NeverEnding Story" : Sebation (lead character) gets locked in a library on a rainy night, or so I remember. It provided him respite from his dreary life, but then he picked up this book and his imagination takes hold..... 

[ps, this movie also terrified me. giant horse flying creature!  but then noah reminded me he died, and your heart broke. such a diversion of emotions.]

4. "Annie": I love love musicals. I loved this one so much that between ages 3--6 or so I apparantly watched it about twice a day with Emily Tocci. This is a true story reported by my Godmother over Christmas break, and eerily confirmed when Noah and I watched it on tv and not only did I know every musical influx of every song, but all the dialogue. And I have not seen the movie since middle school (if I were to guess). 

5. "Labyrinth" : David Bowie and Jennifer Connolly at the peak of their artistic careers. I am only half-kidding.

6. "The Princess Bride" :    ....... as....... you .... wish........ 

 although, buttercup was a bit of spoiled brat. even still, she did not deserve the weirdo humperdink. 

7.  "honey I shrunk the kids" : creepy meets AWESOME. that weird inventor dad shrunk his kids and then they had to battle insects [now giant to them in scale] in the back yard! but, it was a tremendous growing experience for all involved. and a sexy kiss at the end between the neighbor kids.

8. "Home Alone": The first PG movie my mom took me too. Dave and Kimmy got to come also, which sort of was unfair considering I was at least 9 a and they were 3 and 6, respectively. For me, the eldest, all the good shit was delayed. remember that scene when the bad guy got a hot iron on his face? oh, man.

9. "Newsies": another musical that won my full heart. my first exposure to christian bale, who replaced fred savage in my young heart. all those orphans, selling papes in the cold NYC. just trying to make a buck. just trying to be the king of new york.