June 11, 2014

i am heading to CT early tomorrow morning for a trial that may last all summer... or resolve in a settlement tomorrow.  such is the way in civil practice, for better or worse.

i met a few law students the other night at a federal bar dinner.  they are interning with the (wonderful) judge i once interned for, and supported by a professor that always advocated for me.  it was a sweet, bewildering experience to meet them, to discuss school and careers and legal minds in Boston, to have them ask to meet me for coffee, as if i have any real advice on how to navigate practicing law.  i most assuredly do not.

at the same event, i ran into the first attorney i ever worked for, and a federal prosecutor i had the great chance to work with in 3L.  it was so strange, and nice, to have the collision of people i met earlier in my career with my present self, and have hopeful young law students looking to me for advice.

the strange turns this life takes.

June 6, 2014

My friend Cheri Levine Brown died a few months ago.

Every day, I think of Cher-Bear.  I think of those snapshot moments, memories of things that happened over the different phases of our friendship. of conversations where she gave me advice (alot), and encouraged  me to go to to law school, also to get my head out of my ass (still not accomplished). of listening to what was happening in her life, raising her sweet kid.  drinking red wine in the office of our old restaurant--she was the manager, and i was the server/bartender--and smoking too many cigarettes.   i spent many nights with cheri (and alyssa) drinking wine and discussing… well, everything.

memories of just being together.

i went to Cheri's  house and stayed there for days when i found out in a sudden way my marriage was over.  Cheri  sheltered me, more than once, but on some of the darkest days i have yet to know.  Cheri barricaded me from everyone else, made me eat, made me sleep, and was such a balanced blend of kind and direct.  she was so fucking awesome.  i already loved her, but she reestablished why after those nasty few weeks.  not that i needed reminding.

I have struggled over what to say, how to succinctly put into words how i met cheri, loved her, learned from, judged and was judged by her. she was very dear to me, for about a decade, and quite suddenly, she was gone. gone. she was a guide, a friend, a peer, a mentor.  i miss her all the time.  i think: how could March pass and Cheri not live to see it? and May??? and now June?

she died at 41.  and she was important, and loved. by many.  and she must be honored in all the ways i know how.

March 21, 2014

"Win as though were used to it, and lose as if you like it." --Life mantra of Isabella Stewart Gardner. 

October 19, 2013

Many years ago in the weeks after I graduated from Messiah College I was abroad in Prague and accidentally left a weathered copy of Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grace" at a bus stop on a rainy night.  I wonder what became of it, these 10 years later.

September 16, 2013.


A few seasons have passed.  


There is a chill in the air tonight. I am sitting on my porch, about to go to bed.  I left the north end and live in jamaica plain now with my best friend liz, joe, and kerry.  I went apple picking with joe yesterday--joe, who is the kindest, most gentle man i could have ever asked for-- and we are going to make a pie. or two, more likely.

july 21, 2012.

ok, this is the longest break in klogging to date I think. what's funny is the less i write--journaling, stories, letters, klogging--the less i feel like i have to say, which i think says more that writing helps me stay curious and engaged, and the lack of it starts closing the gap. (Although, for what it is worth, I WRITE contantly, but not always creatively. Filed a 40 page motion and memo in court this week, which was no small task.)

I have lost many people in the last two years. Most by choice--either my affirmative decision or passive actions--and some because their friendships proved less substantial then previously thought. Or, maybe formally intense and warm friendships ran there course? It is hard to say. There is much mulling to do on the subject, because as a person who has always maintained rewarding and intimate relationships, to loose four or five formally dear friends (plural)/husband (one) in a two year period is bewildering. to say the least.

i have a new job, which is kicking my ass but i am loving. same darling man. looking for a new apartment, with a few of my dearest from law school (amy and liz). learning alot. trying to do the right thing, every day. sometimes succeeding.

march 1 2012

first post of the new year, what a lazy blogger i have been! busy in all other areas, though.

winter was something of a confusing dud this year, which didn't bother me too much but those who love the snow were beside themselves. now spring is on the bend and i am looking forward to tulips and green fresh grass.

12/30/11

the moon is full of ghosts tonight.

it will take many times of trying to describe all that has gone before, and where i stand, to get it right. maybe my folly is ever expecting to get there.


but i know this: i love the man i have now.  LOVE him. and i want that to mean what it is supposed to mean.

he is kind, good, sweet, handsome, adoring, loving. he has a soft touch and the most loving heart. he is true, as far as my eyes can see. he is more than i have been able to really hope for.

and so. even though it scares me to trust again, i am trying. letting go of an entire decades worth of dreams is a brutal, ugly process. (thank God it is not worse. I know for some, it is.) but with every day, i am moving forward. FINALLY.

december 22

several things have revealed to me that i am, in fact, getting old. for instance, i went to sleep in one piece, and woke up with a stiff and brittle hip joint.

in other news:
i am thinking alot about ways to re-orchestrate my life... 2012 must be used to find a way to better balance life and work, since i have worked to an unhealthy degree for the last two years.  and being the author of my fate and so on, no one can rectify the problem but myself.

major decisions pending.

december 15

and... back on the klog track.

i am trying to do that thing wise people do, where they are purposefully very aware of all their blessings and let gratitude lead them.

my boyfriend is that way. deeply kind. compassionate to everyone. he has this light in him that seems to  have grown out of the dark periods he lived through (and sometimes caused). it is a humbling thing to be around that sort of hard-won goodness all the time.

and so! back to the pursuit of being present in my life, being grateful, and (sometimes) knowing when to let myself off the hook.

December 12

love having a home that smells like christmas trees.

december 7

spoke too soon on the "beautiful decemeber" statement... pouring buckets today! lumbering to court with a few huge files, my briefcase, and an umbrulla proved to be a bit of an adventure.

well, i suppose no one said it would be easy. and shame on that puddle for soaking my right food. bad mood indeed.

december 6

it is a warm december in boston.

we have a beautiful christmas tree, and it is nice to return to the world of traditions and holiday cheer. last year i essentially boycotted the holidays, needing an emotional cleanse. now i am ready for the smells and flavors and chores all associated with this season, and happy to be part of it. everything seems sharper and brighter.

joe carried the tree from fanuiel hall. how funny to carry a large christmas tree through the city streets. a charming, silly thing.

October 27: the pits

transfer money out of your savings to pay for student loans? the worst.

October 21

going with my mother to the maine house, to close the house. we opened it together in the early spring when i felt downtrodden and broken hearted.

i imagine  the closing of the house will be much like the opening of it for the season. wine on porch, walk around pemaquid point, clean-clean-clean, wine on the porch, walk around pemaquid point.  but in reverse order. cleaning ------> walking------> wine on porch--------> sunset.

and then there are the last of the season lobsters to consider, too!

october 12: being present

I am the happiest I have been in years.

October 4

i walked to work in sour spirits. had flashes of visceral rage flaring up like heart burn.

but then things got better, when i decided for the 1,000 time to focus on the future and work on forgiveness.

and then ate a muffin.

tonight dinner with [...someone who makes me happy...], so for today, the worst is behind me.

September 30th: around the corner

yeah for wool sweaters and warm socks! apple pie and autumn leaves!

i have the warm gratitute now, daily.

i like my 30s. i like the people i have surrounding me.

and i am seeing true grace everywhere.

september 22: need a vacation

i want to fly to some hidden corner of the world with a good friend or two. bring a book and a few sundresses and explore and sleep and eat like kings.

september 21: goodbye, summer

today seems like the last summer day... it has been cold, but all of a sudden, when we are all used to grabbing cardigans and close-toed shoes, the sun shines warm again at 75 degrees.

i will take it!

tonight joe and i are collecting many ingredients to make a mexican feast. he assures me this will be far superior to the traditional cheap-ass mexican amy and i prefer to make mid-week. (can of black beans... tortillas... can of salsa... onion.... chedder and perhaps a tomato. we bare bones it.)

we decided to just trust his judgment and be fed. he cooks, we drink the wine. not SO bad of a deal I would say.