tuesday

sometimes, I worry I am not doing a good job.

I really really want to be honest, gracious, generous, courageous.
a kind, funny friend, acute observer, consistent wife, creative and loving. i want to leave something behind. I want to see God. I want to do the best with what I have. I want to live the questions. I want to give good advice, good kisses. I want to be connected. I also want to learn about being alone, and living a bit in silence.

but in my every day life, in the moment, it is impossible to always know that my behavior aligns with these principles... sometime I think "I am standing up for myself!" only to realize later I was being a brat, and short-sighted.

I still wrestle with shame.



p.s. the "biggest loser" is heart warming. despite myself, i love it.